Locked Door
Warning, my little chickens. This content might not be suitable for your virgin eyes.
DISCLAIMER : This post is not really one for the kids. Not that any of my posts are. And, it's definitely TMI (too much information) about my life. Read at your own discretion.
I think a lot of people have elements of their personality that clash. Like, you love to travel and want to see the world, but are petrified of flying. Or, you really love Mexican food, but get severe heartburn. Me? Well, I have an extremely perverted mind, but I am a prude.
Like any red-blooded American, I joke about sex. My brain always comes up with punch lines and jokes that are sexual-related in nature. Balls are always funny, I don’t care who you are. And I have this amazing business idea to create a site called “Spank Bank.” It’s like Pinterest, but for porn. You save all the pics you find online that you want to whack off to in your virtual spank bank.
It’s like the modern day version of the JC Penney catalog’s bra section for men to reference. How is this not a thing?!
But, when it comes to the actual act of sex, well….I guess I am a prude.
Ask my husband Vince. He says he married a nun but, clearly folks, that’s a blatant exaggeration. I have had it at least three times in my life. While I know the Catholics have been under fire the past few years for their gross-ass priests, they are pretty serious about their nuns. I would have been kicked out of the sisterhood for sure.
I do enjoy sex and I spice it up sometimes. OK, not that often. OK, not really ever. But here’s why I am lacking.
My damn body.
Ever since my boobs were used to feed babies I just don’t feel like a sexual lioness. I feel more like….a docile cow. To add to it, Vince and I have been together for over 20 years. We met and fell in love during the prime of my life when everything hung where it should. 16 is the age of all the Disney princesses for a reason. It’s the age when you should be flaunting that body and doing it like rabbits because gravity has not had its way with you just yet. Not that I am condoning 16 year olds to have sex. My daughter is almost 13 and I can’t fathom her being ready for that level of adulting in just three years.
My damn mind.
I am all up in my head almost every minute of the day and this does not stop during sex. I’ve even named my inner voice Nancy so I can yell at the crazy bitch to shut up. But, she doesn’t always listen. During sex, the following list has gone through my mind.
- I think about the way my body looks (see above).
- I replay a conversation I had with someone 4 days ago. Did they think I was rude or did they take my off-handed joke as me being serious? Is this why I have no friends??
- I think about what needs done around the house. Did I fold the laundry or do I need to turn on the dryer again? What are we going to eat for dinner? Fuccccckkkkkk, I hate to cook. What should we do this weekend?
Eventually, the inner dialogue shuts off but it’s a conscious effort. I have to MAKE myself focus and think about what’s going on so I quit thinking about my body or my to-do list.
And then I maybe think about Chris Pratt for 1 minute and we’re done. LOL, just kidding Vince. Ok, maybe not kidding but let’s move on.
My desire for it.
I’m just not in the mood for it EVERY DAMN DAY. I’m not. My husband is. He tries to convince me of the health benefits for men like lowering the chance of prostate cancer or how it helps him sleep when nothing else does. Really? Really?! Maybe if you start using your $600 CPAP machine, I’ll consider a blow job night cap to help you sleep.
Recently, I had surgery on my gums and Vince was super excited. Why you might ask? I had cadaver tissue placed in my mouth. Go ahead and gag. It’s kind of gross when you think about it. I try not to. He wasn’t excited because he likes dead bodies or anything like that. He needs a hole AND a heartbeat.
No, Vince was excited because he was really hoping the tissue was from a hooker and her ways would seep into my body tissue via her gum tissue. Her sexual prowess would flow through her dead gum tissue into my body and make me want to do it like a porn star.
This is the father of my children, folks.
My poor husband
Why are the women that love sex always with men that don’t, and vice versa? Why is the universe so unkind? Overall, Vince is a good sport about my prudishness. I’m sure he dies a little inside each day. I do feel a little bad for him because I’m not sure he knew what he signed up for. All the perverted talk when we met at 16 might have made him think I was different. Poor guy.
If you don’t know Vince, and you can’t tell from my comments so far, he’s definitely not a prude. He says he’s lucky he wasn’t born a girl because he’d be throwing it around like free candy in a parade. Because that’s how easy us girls can get laid apparently.
Side note, karma gave all daughters. LOL! FML!
Vince is the type of man that makes bedroom eyes at me when he eats pineapple. Because apparently pineapple makes your special stuff taste good. Excuse me while I go vomit…..
The only way to make that spooge taste good is to throw it in a blender and make a White Russian out of it. Not that I’ve tried it that way. Just saying. Vodka makes everything better. (See?! I’m gross!!!)
A lot of his talk is just him being an attention whore and not a full-blown whore. Well…I mean…he WAS a whore back in the day. That’s a whole other post for another day. My point is that he’s way more conversational and downright down about sex, and I’m not.
Sex=Love
Sex is very personal to me. I’ve only had it with one person my entire life and that’s Vince.
Yes, only one penis. A lot of people apparently feel bad for me when I say this. I usually get comments like “Awwwwwwww” or “really?” I don’t know how that should make me feel. Proud? Confused? Left out? Angry?
I only had sex with one person because, well – partly because of my body issues. But also because I met Vince when I was young, I fell in love, and that act equaled love for me.
Now don’t get me wrong. I do have thoughts that aren’t so pure. I’m only human. But the act of it all…well I have never thrown it around like candy in a parade, that’s for sure.
I’m just a prude…with a very perverted mind. For instance, I saw this meme the other day. What kind of sane, caring, Jesus-loving person would laugh at this? Me. I did. I might be going to hell.
Haha ? I love you!
This I gold! Thanks for sharing. I did not know about the pineapple thing…good to know! Hahaha
Love it! I’m addicted….
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