I just had the longest sonogram of my life. I was on the table for about an hour as the tech slid the probe around my stomach, checking to make sure this little nugget is all good. If you have a baby after the age of 35, you are basically considered old AF and they want to be sure nothing is developmentally or genetically wrong with your wee one because you are basically dead inside according to the medical community. But bonus! This means you get extra tests and ultrasounds throughout your pregnancy.
I was considered old with Evie too, but they never did this intense amount of testing. Maybe 40 is a whole other ball game? Maybe it’s just because I had to switch OB’s and this is the way they run things. Whatever the case, my ass was on that table for an hour, viewing the videos and images of baby girl #4 who is growing inside me. But the time spent watching her wasn’t what made the appointment seem so very, very long…
She has eyes
Sonograms are weird. The tech went about measuring and confirming things I never thought to worry about. She confirmed both eyes were in place (uh, ok that’s good), her organs were on the right side (also good), no cleft palate, and that she had all her fingers. Dear God. I never worried about her not having these things. All these babies I’ve had growing in my stomach, and I never ONCE thought about them not having eyeballs. But that’s a thing, I guess. A baby could be born without an eyeball. And honestly, I would kinda want to prep for that before birth. It would be alarming to go through labor and then have them lay a one-eyed pirate baby on my chest unexpectedly. But she’s good in all those areas.
Heart check
Necessary body parts aside, the main reason the appointment took so long is because they also did an echocardiogram on her. In part because I’m old I think, but also because Vince‘s sister was born with a hole in her heart and needed surgery to close it shortly after being born. Since those things can be hereditary, they wanted to check out little nugget’s heart. Again, I find it strange that this was the first baby that anyone ever seemed concerned about. Evie, at least, should have been checked too.
After 60 minutes, the tech finished her probing and left. I wiped the remaining glops of belly jelly off my stomach and squeezed myself back into my pants when the doctor came in to give us a “thorough” reading of the results.
Communication skills are a dying art
This woman was awful. She was young and had arguably the worst delivery of results I have ever heard. Listen, when you are at an appointment to confirm that your baby is growing OK because your old and the fam has a history of heart issues, all you want to know is that everything is OK. That’s the main thing. So, as a doctor, shouldn’t you immediately assure the slightly nervous parents that EVERYTHING IS OK?!!
Yes, you should. This should be doctor etiquette 101.
But this lady didn’t do that. She skirted around my results. Instead of immediately reassuring us, she brought up my initial NIPT testing I did months ago that was supposed to check for markers of Down’s Syndrome among other things and mentioned the test wasn’t always 100% accurate. That’s why they do additional tests like this ultrasound…
Oh no.
Inside time slowed. My baby girl has Down’s. Ok. Ok. That’s ok. It doesn’t matter. She will be loved and have a strong family to support and love her. At least she’s otherwise healthy, right? I can do this….
All those thoughts unfolded in my brain as the woman in front of me rattled on. Until she finally got to her point that my baby was actually all good. No Down’s. What in the actual fuck?! You don’t mess with people like that. I seriously sat on that table for the longest minute of my life thinking my baby had Down’s. I started mentally preparing myself. And then I heard her say she was fine.
Hearts and holes and things
I breathed a sigh of relief. Ok good. The prepubescent doctor then proceeded to talk about the echocardiogram results in an equally horrible manner. She says, “we did see something concerning.” Then she paused as she brought up the video of baby girl’s heart on the screen.
She PAUSES. Who. Does. That?!
She then dramatically goes on to say that baby girl has a hole in her heart. I immediately started to choke up as I saw the red flow from one side to the other when it wasn’t supposed to. Time slowed down for me again. I started (again) preparing myself for the challenge of what that could mean.
She proceeded to talk about the hole, giving me details and shit that I was zoning out on until I heard her transition. Wait…guess what! Holes in hearts are actually kinda common! Whaaaatttttttt?! Holes in organs where holes are not supposed to be are common??! How is that possible?! Who knew?!
I didn’t. That’s who didn’t know. Me. The patient on the fucking table having a mini-panic attack thinking about the hole in my baby’s heart. I was thinking about how it was my fault for having a kid when I’m too old in the eyes of doctors. How this little one was going to have to have her chest cut open and her heart hole soldered together with a laser or something.
But apparently, that might not happen. It’s super common. They see it a lot. The holes can close on their own apparently. Or babies are born and grow up with holes in their hearts without ever knowing. Any of my kids could have had a small hole just like this baby and we wouldn’t have known.
Vince even knew this. But I sure as hell didn’t. Maybe I’m the odd one out. Maybe most of the population has this in their minds as common knowledge. But I didn’t know. I can’t believe that everyone knows.
So why….WHY wouldn’t you give me that vital information sooner? Your delivery of the heart hole could have been sooooo much better. Like, maybe something like this:
“So, I reviewed the results of the echocardiogram and her development looks completely normal. We do see a small hole in her heart – which is actually extremely common and could likely close on its own. As a precaution, we’d still like to monitor it though given your history,”
With that delivery, I would have still been concerned, yes. But that phrasing would have saved me from a lot of unnecessary inner turmoil.
Don’t focus on the hole
Part of me thinks that I would have been better being oblivious to the hole. If it’s so common, I could have gone through my remaining weeks of pregnancy without that specific worry. Sure, I’m happy knowing that she has eyeballs, ten fingers, and 2 kidneys. But knowing she has a small hole in her heart is weighing on mine. I am going to try to not focus on it though and rest in the assurance that this is very common. That when this little peanut pops out in late August/early September, everything would have fixed itself.
Instead of focusing on the hole, I’m going to focus on her sweet little face. Her tiny chin and nose. And, perfectly enough for my family, her first bum shot. Because how cute is this:
You got this! Baby #4 will be fine. Alli had a hole in her heart too. She had to do a few eco cardio grams the first year of life but it healed on its own. I’ll continue prayers that the rest of pregnancy goes as smoothly as it has been.