I am 5, or maybe 6. It’s Christmas and I remember being amazed at the number of presents surrounding the tree in our small smoke-filled living room. We didn’t have big Christmases. We were poor. To see this many gifts under our artificial tree was unnatural. Those gifts didn’t belong there. But there they were, wrapped in shiny paper for my brother and me. I remember being happy, but I can’t remember a thing I got.
That Christmas is etched in my mind because it was our only Big Christmas. Living on welfare, we didn’t have celebrations like that. We were clothed from second-hand stores and our food was bought with food stamps. Lacking a car, we walked wherever we needed to go, even in the cold Pittsburgh winters. My childhood was not a childhood of excess.
That Christmas was unique.
The Impact
That Big Christmas was my only Big Christmas. Seeing all of those presents piled around the tree was the only time in my childhood I remember really feeling lucky. I am writing about that Big Christmas now because I had a realization this year. I realized that that Big Christmas has been lurking in the back of my mind every Christmas since I had children. Every year when I begin my holiday shopping for my children, that Big Christmas pops into my consciousness.
I add to my online shopping cart almost all the wishes on my girls’ lists, no matter how ridiculous they may be. I try my hardest to get them what they asked for. And, as I see the totals adding up in my Excel sheet I use to make sure both the quantity of gifts and the money spent is equal, that Big Christmas comes to mind.
I see that grand total in my sheet, and I think to myself “is this their last Big Christmas?” It’s not their only Big Christmas. But…is it their last? I worry that I will make Christmas too big and that it will somehow become their Big Christmas. Like buying too much one year will somehow tip the scales of life and change our situation.
Is something going to happen in this next year to totally upend our lives so that in the years to come, my children will look back and remember this Christmas as I remember my Big Christmas? Should I hold back? Not spend as much? Am I making the right decisions financially to make sure we continue on our path towards wealth? Am I doing everything right? Why is this one day in my childhood having such an impact? It doesn’t make sense…
Me and Money
Throughout my life, I have been made fun of for being cheap. Overall, I don’t think I’m cheap, I am just severely conscious of money sometimes because of my childhood. I don’t want to be and sometimes I’m not. There are moments where I will spend money without batting an eye. Those moments are the times when I am living the life I WANT to live. Where spending isn’t a concern. When I shop at Publix instead of Walmart. When I don’t choose an item on the menu at the restaurant just because it’s the cheapest.
But other times I cringe at paying $8 for shipping or get annoyed at my husband for tipping someone excessively or spending an insane amount of money on an Angel Tree gift. Who acts like that? Who gets annoyed at generosity?!
Those moments are moments where I am living the life I LIVED as a child where money wasn’t plentiful. Where you don’t give your money away because you don’t have money to give. You don’t spend money on an Angel Tree gift because you are the person that filled out that ornament with your size and wish list for that year. Those moments when I act cheap are moments I don’t want to have in my story. I want to be generous. I want to give my kids a Big Christmas without worrying about it being their last. I want to be financially independent so that my fear isn’t founded.
That Big Christmas is still in my mind, swirling around with the packages and dollar signs I’ve accumulated for the holiday. But now that I know it’ s there and it’s impacting how I look at Christmas for my kids, I am going to work on letting it go. Just because I only had one Big Christmas, it doesn’t mean that making Big Christmases for my kids is going to somehow tempt the financial fate gods and make that Christmas their last good one. The floor under the tree overflowing with gifts every year is not too much if it brings joy to my kids’ faces. The amount of money spent or presents purchased isn’t going to jinx us. My one Big Christmas can now just be a reminder that, while my childhood might have been lacking. it did shape me into who I am today, and it was all worth it.
Great content! Keep up the good work!