I’m not a rookie. I have raised 3 babies so far. I consider myself somewhat of a pro if you can ever truly be that as a parent. But, looking back at pictures of Marina from a few months ago, I can’t believe I let her get so skinny. Her scrawny legs and arms are so obviously wrong to me now, but then we joked about how she had bird legs. Of course, all my babies were tiny. I don’t make giant turkeys. But I don’t know how me back then thought she was fine when I was allowing my baby to basically starve to death.
Oh, I know what it was. It was sleep. Glorious sleep.
Unicorn baby sleep
This child slept from birth. I would have to wake her to eat in the hospital and this continued once we came home. Why did my veteran mom brain think it was ok for a newborn to sleep the entire day away instead of being attached to my boob 24 hours like my other children? My babies don’t sleep. Pffft. Hell, no. They become a fifth limb to my body for the first 12 months. That’s their thing. The saying “too good to be true” should have been playing loudly in my head when Marina allowed me to set her down and sleep for hours without contact. On her back no less! My kids hated sleeping on their backs unless I was holding them! But Marina was the “perfect baby.” I’d swaddle her up, lay her in her little bassinet, and walk away. For hours. I was so deliriously happy to have an easy child that I didn’t question it. I basically allowed her to almost sleep starve herself to the point of needing hospitalization.
I thought babies would cry if they were hungry, not sleep. I remember all the advice saying, “listen to your baby, they will tell you what they need.” But this was 100% wrong for Marina. She wasn’t telling me what she needed. I think she was too weak to. I let my busy life with my other 3 kids overshadow her needs. I took it as a blessing at the time that she slept so much. Look at me! I finally got an easy kid! Instead, I should have worried a little more…
No boob, thank you
It took her flat out refusing my boob for me to finally wake up. I knew that this, THIS, was a bad sign. She had nursed fine at birth. She latched and put on weight just fine. But something happened as she grew a bit bigger. I may have ignored and allowed the sleeping, but I knew that her not breastfeeding had to be a sign of a bigger problem. Uh, hello? Your child looks like a skeleton, Kristina. Wake TF up!
One trip to the lactation consultant woke me up. Marina had fallen off the growth chart entirely and was given a “failure to thrive” diagnosis. Hearing them say those words hit me right in the heart. Failure to thrive. I felt like I failed her.
Chunka baby
But here we are, 2 months since that diagnosis and I have myself a little chunker. She is the biggest of all my babies now, most likely thanks to eating from the bottle. Unlike my other girls, she doesn’t have to strain and hang on to my tiny boobs all day to get a good meal. She guzzles down her bottles like my 80-year-old aunt did birthday shots last weekend. Like. A. Boss.
I look at her thick little thighs and am happy and slightly ashamed all at the same time because I compare what is to what was. She wasn’t meant to have bird legs, unless you are talking about huge rotisserie chicken thighs. I am trying to give myself grace. It’s not like I did it on purpose. It’s not like I didn’t love her. But I do feel like I neglected her out of convenience. Like everything, I am going to try and learn from it and be grateful for what is. So, with that said….
- I am grateful that I did finally wake up and realize it wasn’t right.
- I am grateful for the lactation consultants who were my village during that super stressful time and celebrated every ounce gained with me like it was opposite day on the Biggest Loser. I needed that support.
- I am grateful to her pediatric chiropractor and dentist that helped her through a tongue tie even though she still refuses the boob, this still has benefits.
- I am grateful to those mommas that donated or sold me milk that helped feed her while I worked on my own supply.
- I am grateful for wearable breast pumps that let me pump while driving, brushing hair, watching a soccer game, or typing this post.
- I am grateful for free formula cans that helped feed Marina’s insatiable cluster feeding sessions (seriously, she consumes SO MUCH. I don’t know how her stomach contains it…but it does.)
- I am grateful for the ladies on my Facebook page that advised me to go see a lactation consultant and for the FB groups where other moms shared their experiences and make me feel less alone.
- I am grateful that I have this feeding experience with Marina because, though I miss some aspects of nursing, the freedom that comes with bottle feeding is something I deeply appreciate because I nursed my others. No more hanging over the car seat to feed a baby my boob while driving long distances!
My biggest lesson is that my baby might not always tell me what she needs. She’s a baby after all. Most of the time, I need to rely on me to be awake, step up, be her mom, and do what’s best. I will try my hardest, Rina baby, to not fail you like this again.
