avoiding an argument

I avoid arguments when I know they are a lost cause. I don’t get into battle just for the fun of it. But I used to be way worse. I used to be a flat-out doormat. In the past, I would let people verbally berate me….without speaking a word to defend myself. Thanks to my husband Vince, I have changed.

Fighting with the Family

In beginning of our relationship (many eons ago), I never argued. I would back down and shut my mouth anytime conflict started – with us or with anyone who might choose to speak hard words to me. Back then, my heart would curl up and my whole body became tense. This was probably another product of my messed-up childhood. Not getting into specifics because I’ve hashed out that part of my life in other posts (see here), but in my past, conflict meant pain. I think my brain taught me to avoid arguments when possible as a survival mechanism.

This was a unique challenge when I started dating Vince because he grew up in a house where, if you wanted to say something, you damn well said it. No filters. His family is very passionate and vocal. They will not hold back anything they are thinking. Refreshing, yet terrifying all at the same time. Vince grew up with that. Seeing and hearing ALL the feelings and never shying away from a fight. They have really thick skins.

Needless to say, I didn’t acclimate quickly to that type of communication. It took me a good decade to start opening up and not shut down when arguments started. And good God, does Vince love his arguments. He will fight with me over the stupidest things. Just because he gets pleasure out of arguing. It’s messed up, really.

But over the years, I’ve grown my own thick skin. Conflict, arguments, and hurtful words used to break me down. Now, I can take it because I know I am a strong woman, a damn good mother, and I built this amazing life I live from the cards I was given. No one’s words can take any of that away unless I let them. No words can break me. And, ironically, I have Vince to thank for that. He gave me the gift of a thick skin. He gave me the gift of speaking up for myself and not allowing people to step on me to make themselves feel better.

(Thanks for that babe. You’re still a dick though). 

Agree that We are Free

Now, I can fight if I want to, but I most of the time, I don’t. I still don’t engage in arguments purposely. I still try to avoid them. It’s not worth the effort. All the talking. All the air wasted. It’s exhausting. So, I don’t argue…not because I break down inside, but because I’m too lazy to get into it. I know when arguing is a waste of breath.

Hence, the current events and my lack of response online. I don’t really post about how I feel about the pandemic, the president, or the racial issues that have been coming to a head. I have my opinions and I’ve spoken them to my inner circle. That’s where it’s gonna stay because I know, unless you share my opinion, it’s only gonna start a fight and I’m not about that.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not passionate about the topics, but I don’t think I need to throw myself up there for a verbal flogging from those who might disagree. I’m not going to write a 4-paragraph epic Facebook post about how I’m supporting a certain cause or detail if I am wearing a face mask or not. More importantly, I’m not going to make you feel like a piece of shit if you choose to do so. You have that right.

That’s what makes this nation so great, we have freedom. To voice our opinions or to keep quiet. To disagree and be vocal about it or sit quietly and observe. And just because you might disagree with me, it doesn’t mean I’m right and you’re wrong. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. It just means we are different.

You can’t argue with that.