I took Evie for a walk today around our neighborhood in St Pete. I love being down here because every day I see something new. Create a new memory. Today was no exception.
I decided to go down a road I haven’t been down yet. It didn’t disappoint. We discovered a little park next to a bayou with mangrove trees draping the water. Nearby the park was a compound. Some might call it a house, but it’s not a house. It’s a damn compound overlooking the bayou. I was *this close* to hoisting myself up on their fence to peer over like Tim Taylor’s neighbor on Home Improvement. It was gorgeous.
While out and uncovering these treasures, I made sure to bring Evie’s travel potty. She’s potty training, though I don’t know why. I am in no rush to be out of diapers, and she is only loosely interested. Keeping her in diapers is so much easier than worrying about when she will need to go. But somehow, we’ve found ourselves in this situation.
This morning, we left the house commando (just her). The potty came along just in case I needed a vessel for her to let loose in. Of course, the urge came…right in front of the glorious compound I just mentioned.
I didn’t want to ask her to wait, so I parked the stroller and whipped out her potty right in front of their gate. These people were probably having a grand old laugh, sipping espressos on their patio facing the bayou, watching my toddler take a piss on their security camera.
Whatever. This is life. Enjoy the show! I closed the potty with a click and hung it back on the stroller, pleased with Evie and myself for a successful #1.
Not thinking, at the time, that it’s been a solid day since she’s gone #2 and she is normally a once-a-day pooer.
You know what comes next
After pee, we explored the little park, Evie hanging like a monkey from one of the mangrove trees and demanding with an “eh eh, boat” that I allow her to walk through the mud and 2-foot-deep water of the bayou to get into a boat that is anchored nearby. How dare I say no?
But I do. I didn’t want her to get messy. Little did I realize what was coming my way….
We had meandered a bit away from the stroller, so I tell Evie to stay where she was as I go to grab it. She was preoccupied with hopping back and forth over a mangrove branch so she was fine for the minute it would take for me to retrieve the stroller.
Grabbing it, I made my way back to Evie. I noticed her creeping behind the branches of the tree, like she was trying to hide. She loves hiding. I call out and say “aw, Evie, are you hiding from Mommy?”
She squats, giggles, and peers back at me from the trees. I can pretty much see all of her, but her eyes which are covered by a few of the leaves. She stays back there, lurking in the trees as I get closer. Then, realization hit me.
She’s not just hiding.
She just took a dump.
In her pants.
With no underwear on.
Damnnnnnnnnn it.
I called her to me. And she came. Her hand travelling back to her bum a couple times, confirming my assumption. Time to go into triage mode. What did I have to help this situation?
Wipes, a travel potty, bayou water, and a litter grabber stick the fam got me for my birthday to pick up litter. Yes, I can do this.
Like MacGyver, I gathered my collection of tools and got to work. Removing the poo pants was the most difficult part. Because, of course, it was an “ice cream poo”. You know the ones. It’s not a turd. Your poo is like you turned on the soft served ice cream handle at DQ, but in your pants. The pants/poo combo was sticking to her legs. Most people might dry heave at this task…but not me. I can handle poo all day. Not that I ENJOY it, but I can HANDLE it. Two different things.
Removing the poo pants, I wiped her down and set her in the stroller. With Evie stowed, I grabbed my litter stick, picked up her pants, and walked over to the bayou. Dunking and swishing in the 2-foot-deep water, the poo pants lose some of their poo-ness.
So much for the mess I was trying to avoid.
Placing the dripping pants on the grass, I realized I needed a way to transport these things back home. I opened the travel potty, dumped the pee in the grass, and shoved the pants in there. I just spread bodily fluids all over that beautiful little park. But I saved the pants! Mission completed!
My victory was short lived as I realized one thing I didn’t have – spare underwear. I considered covering her with a mangrove leaf and giggled about the Eve/Evie and the Garden of Eden connection. But she wouldn’t have kept the leaf on. So, I paraded Evie back to the house in the stroller, about a 20-minute walk, bare bottomed. I’m probably on the neighborhood watch page for this entire event. It’s probably a good thing we are moving soon.
Lessons learned
Don’t leave your kid alone without a diaper on if they haven’t crapped that day. It’s coming and they will use their privacy to poo. Always bring a poo kit when traveling with a potty-training toddler: spare undies/pants, travel potty, bag for storing dirty items, wipes, and of course a good sense of humor. Having a kid means getting shit on your hands at some point. It’s inevitable. And try as you might, they will ALWAYS get messy. Stop fighting it.
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Love this, I can just see all of this going on, hilarious. I enjoy your adventures.