i will protect you, at all costs

I sat crouched on my bedroom floor, feeling the weight of my older brother on my back as he hid behind me, trying to get small enough in hopes that our father wouldn’t see him. We knew our dad was making his way up the steps to punish us, since the sound of him coming up the stairs was hard to miss. Even if he didn’t stumble into the walls on his way up, drunk from the alcohol he consumed to soothe his nerves, we’d hear him and his belt as they made their slugged approach. 

Holding the two ends of his size 40 belt together, outstretched in a flattened ‘O’, he’d push the two sides up and crack down – a whipping noise echoing off the nicotine-stained walls. That sound invaded our ears, warning us of what was to come. 

I sat there, shielding my brother from the belt, despite my smaller size and age. That was my place – in front. I didn’t know or question why back then. Why my older, larger brother hid BEHIND me. Why the pleather of the Goodwill- bought belt struck my legs and not his. 

Why was I in front?

But now, almost 4 decades later, I was made to ask that question after my first visit to a therapist as an adult. She said I need to go back and unpack my childhood. To go and heal the child within me. The child that was beaten, unprotected, and abused. By the people in my life that were supposed to lift me up, not break me down. 

I had thought I was done revisiting my childhood. The adult me has forgiven and accepted the past – appreciating the struggle and abuse that made me the woman I am today. But my therapist said this is not enough just to forgive and accept. That there is still more work to do because that child in me, the child in front, is not healed. I have done the work of forgiving my father, mother, and brother- yes. But that’s not the end of it. Forgiveness doesn’t fully heal.

And so, I’ve found myself going back to that moment etched in my mind and, although there were MANY moments like that in my childhood, that night on the floor behind my bedroom door for some reason stands out. A little girl in front, made to take on abuse from the two men in her life that should be protecting her: big brother, your father. They are supposed to shield and guard you from the world, annoyingly attacking anyone that dares mess with the little girl of the family. 

I didn’t have that. I never had male protection. I grew up never being able to rely on a man and this internal belief has affected my relationship with my husband now. I never fully realized that until now. Unpacking that knowledge lifted a weight that’s been sitting on me for years. But I still wasn’t done.

To truly heal, I need to not only forgive and accept but also protect that little girl inside. My therapist said that I should go back and hold me like I hold my children now. To go back in my mind to the little girl with black and blue legs who was made to be bigger than she was. Forced by life to be in front. To go back and protect her like I do my 4 daughters now.

To gather up that little child and love her. 

Tell her it’s ok. She doesn’t have to be in front anymore. 

I will protect her. 

This sounded silly at first. Isn’t that redundant? I am holding me and telling me I don’t need to be in front anymore? That I don’t need to protect anyone anymore because I will take care of her. I am me, right?

But….then I did it. 

I went back in my mind and visualized the little blonde girl hiding behind her bedroom door in the dark. I picked her up and cradled her strong little body in my arms, calming her nerves with my kisses on her head. The ironic smell of No Tears detangler in her hair. 

And I told her it was ok. It was ok that her dad wasn’t there for her. That her brother and mother were not either. I was there. She was loved. She was protected. 

And I felt this release in my heart that came out in tears. Big gut tears that dropped heavily on my desk as I typed the words. 

I didn’t have anyone to save me – so I saved myself. This served me then, but it doesn’t serve me now. I have people around me that want to help. I have a husband that wants to support me and give me love. For a long time, I unknowingly kept him and everyone else at arm’s length because the little girl inside of me didn’t know what it meant to let someone else be in front. 

So I told her it’s ok. We’re ok. We’re loved and protected. Let’s get up off the floor together. We’ve spent our whole life in front but maybe it’s time to let others take that spot instead.