dick granny

Generally, I love old ladies. I love their IDGAF attitudes. I love their boldness. I love their gentle kindness. Their wisdom. Let’s not forget their cooking and baking. 

But then, you have those old ladies that are just…dicks. Passive-aggressive, judgy, toothless raisins who hate life. The kind of biddies that just want to bring everyone down with them because life handed them a shit stick they couldn’t clean off. 

What is it about some older women that compels them into mom shaming strangers with young kids? Like, I get it lady. You’ve been down this road. You think you did better and you’re not so silently laughing at the struggle bus you think I’m on. You want to “help” by saying something. Or those outward judgements just make your life seem better because at least you didn’t fuck up as much as I am.

I’ve been on the receiving end of old-lady commentary a few times. It’s been a while though. The pandemic protected me from judgement with Evie since most old grannies kept a 6-foot distance or avoided my handrail-licking child like the plague.

But recently, I received the full-force blast of granny passive aggression while out with my 2-year-old, Marina. 

It was early morning after school drop-off. I figured since I already had my toddler strapped in, I’d knock out a few errands. We had our dog with us, but I left him in the car (it was a cool morning, windows cracked. He was not going to die.) 

As we walked toward the store, the dog started barking like I abandoned him in the desert for a fortnight. I don’t know why he does this. He loves car rides. He should know by now that I will come back. Whatever. I ignored his incessant dramatics and attention whore behavior and went about my business. 

Marina was skipping along, happy and pleasant to be around – a demeanor I’ve learned is exclusive to the 4th child. They are just happy to exist – knowing in their gut that if they cause too much ruckus, they’ll get left behind because mom and dad are split too much with the older 3 to deal with any more crazy shit. 

We walked hand and hand into the secondhand clothing store. There’s an older woman near the register counter. 

“Hello there.” she cackled…uh, I mean said. 

I said hello and smiled. 

“I saw your puppy in the car,” she added.

I waited. That was just an observation after all, not a question. 

She didn’t elaborate. And, being fluent in the language of passive aggression thanks to my husband Vince, I thought I detected her meaning.

By simply stating that she saw my puppy, she was implying that I was an unfit dog mom for leaving him in the car – with the windows cracked, in the shade, on a breezy 68-degree Florida morning.

Unperturbed by her insinuation, I said “Yeah, I left him there.”

That’s all you’re getting lady.

She smiled…well kinda. Is it a smile if you don’t have teeth?

A few seconds passed as I waited for the cashier to take the bag of clothes I brought for buyback. Meanwhile, Marina circled the clothing rack, hiding among the sweatshirts and giggling “peek a boo.”  Granny looked at my rugrat. Her bangs in her eyes a bit, despite my attempts to hold them back in a hairclip. 

“Someone needs a haircut,” she says. 

For fuck’s sake. She’s not stopping, is she? Someone needs to mind their own business.

Fine. That’s alright. I’ve been beaten down lady. I am an expert in this dance of passive aggression. You aren’t triggering me!!! I simply smile and agree. Because, well, she does need a haircut.

The cashier finally came over, took my bag, and I moved away from the counter – happy to escape the dick granny aura. Midway through my browsing, Marina proclaims her need to pee. I had an armful of clothes, so I went back to the counter to ask if I could leave them there. Granny had still not left.

She eyed me and said, “Oh, looks like someone’s shopping a lot today!”

Ok, do you see the insinuation here or is this just my overanalytical, jaded mind? Is she just making conversation????

Because, if you translate this comment into passive aggressive lingo, what she is really saying is a combination of the following:

“Woman, you’re spending too much money. You’re buying clothes for yourself when you should be cutting your kid’s hair. Maybe stop dragging your toddler into stores while your poor dog barks for help in the parking lot. Moms today are so selfish.”

Yes. I got all that from her three offhand remarks. Ok surrreeeeee. Maybe these were simply innocent comments. About the dog, Marina’s hair, and the fact that I had 7 shirts draped over my arm. Maybe she just states what she observes without any motive. Maybe she’s lonely and this is her social hour. Maybe I am overanalyzing innocent comments and finding them offensive because I’ve been dealing with passive aggressive comments from my husband for nearly 3 decades. Maybe I’m triggered too easily.

Or, maybe, this granny is a dick.