I am on the toilet, scrolling somewhat mindlessly through Facebook when I realize I’d been sitting there for at least 10 minutes, even though I stopped going to the bathroom about 8 minutes ago. I wouldn’t have even been aware of the passage of time if it weren’t for the fact that my legs were starting to go numb. Being under 5 feet tall doesn’t really have that many perks. Capris fit me like pants, I need a step stool to reach half the things in my house, and my feet don’t fully reach the floor when sitting on the porcelain throne. The leg numbness doesn’t happen that often though since, as a mom, I don’t normally have the luxury to sit on the toilet that long.
But on this day, I did. On this day I was sitting on the toilet way past my expiration date because of my 1-year-old daughter, Evie.
Evie is a complete joy. She has been one of the best parts of my day ever since she was born. But during the hours she is awake, Evie hovers around me like Mercury orbits the Sun. I can only go so far away from her before I hear the desperate little raspy voice say “Mama?”
She’s afraid that if she doesn’t see me, it means I’ve left her.
This is my fault entirely. I made the rookie mom mistake of leaving a couple times without saying goodbye to her because I didn’t want to upset her. This isn’t my first rodeo. I know you aren’t supposed to do this. As much as it upsets your child, you’re supposed to put on your big girl panties and say goodbye. But I did it anyways. I don’t know why. I often make decisions like this in my life. I know it’s not the right choice, but there I go – making it anyways. And no, I’m not talking about when I decided to marry my husband. 🙂
I’m talking about the time I was pushing a slightly full luggage cart to our hotel room and decided to sit Evie in the cart…on top of a laptop bag. Sure enough, I jerked on a turn, and she came tumbling off the cart. She didn’t get hurt, but she got scared. One minute she is gleefully cruising down a magically decorated carpeted hallway and then wham, the floor is rushing at her face.
It was a dumb decision to place her on the laptop bag. In the back of my mind, I KNEW that even as I was doing it. Just like it was a bad decision to leave my house without telling my daughter I was leaving.
So here I am, legs numb and bowels empty, hunched over my phone because this is the first time in what seems like forever that I have space. Evie is not standing in front of me, handing me yards of toilet paper for my pee, nor is she sitting on my lap which is always a pleasure to experience while pooping. No, Evie is in the OTHER room, laying on the bed, watching a show with my husband Vince. He is getting snuggle time and I am sitting on the can for 8 more glorious minutes than I need. I was able to poop without an audience and I haven’t felt more human in years.
It’s wonderful to be so important to somebody that they get upset as soon as they can’t see you. But at the same time, spending every moment with them can be a little annoying. So, I take these moments that I get some space, even if it’s 10 minutes on the toilet. I appreciate the minutes knowing that all of this won’t last forever. Both because I’ll need to regain feeling in my legs eventually and also because she is growing older every day and soon won’t need to hover me the way she does now.