Being a mom to a newborn is definitely a confusing role. One part of you cherishes each and every moment. You luxuriate in the sweet baby smell, soft skin, utter neediness, and tiny grunts and coo’s. Your heart aches with their cries. You orbit them like Earth does the Sun. They are your entire world, and you cannot imagine life without them in it anymore.
BUT on the flip side, their cries irritate your sleep-deprived mind. You shush and shush without soothing them and feel like you might be on the brink of madness. They want to nurse constantly, and you cannot do anything with yourself besides sit there like a glorified cow.
You see the to-dos and dirt piling up as you just sit. Unable to move or do a thing because the baby is resting on you and that’s the only place they will sleep. People say to ignore the housework. It can wait. Focus on you and the baby. Can you really ignore the messes of life? I most certainly cannot. I tried and failed.
You start to freak out because, in just a little bit of time, you will need to go back to ACTUAL work. How will anything get done? How can you do it all? Your baby doesn’t even have a set schedule yet. How can you make a conference call at 11 with a screaming baby in the background? Or type an email one-handed, taking you 10 minutes when it should take seconds?
It’s confusing because you WANT to hold them all the time. But, then at the same time, want both your hands back so you can fold the laundry or cook a shitty dinner. Or clean the peanut butter off the cabinets that has apparently been there for over a week.
It’s such a binary experience. You want to be near them 100% of your day and do everything for them. You want to be everything to them…but then are desperate for space and the desire to be YOU again. And, when you get that space, you instantly regret it and want the baby back. As soon as they are taken from your arms, you feel this enormous amount of space and emptiness.
Motherhood is so effed up. Is this just me? Am I the only one dealing with this internal struggle to never want to let go but, at the same time, wanting to get the hell away?
Now, I would never ever trade being a mom for anything in this world. I vehemently love this baby and both of my older girls. I love, and live for, being their mom.
But, sometimes, just sometimes, I desperately want space. Space to breathe and feel free. But, then again, I don’t ever want space and want to be the one to fulfill their every need.
Make sense? No, no of course it doesn’t. But that’s the joyous confusion of being a mother, at least for me.
Oh Krissy, how I remember those days and feeling the same way. It’s not normal if you don’t feel this way, of course that is just my opinion. You are a wonderful mother and your girls are so lucky to have you as their mommy!!! Love you, xoxo
This is perfectly fine to feel this way Krissy, you are an Awesome Mom, we all need our space at some point. A Mom’s job is never done, even when they’re adults, you want to be available for them when they need you. I don’t ever want my kids to feel like they can’t call me and ask for help with anything at anytime. Now it might take a little longer to get to you guys Krissy but I hope you know I’m serious. Being a Mom and a TT is by far my Best Job Ever!!!!!❤
The internal struggle is real. Motherhood is a rollercoaster of emotions. But, I’m loving the ride.